and then he came

the bad dreams stopped coming. the fears stopped haunting. the pain seems never there, it’s gone now.

i used to complain, grumble, and say ‘why did it have to happen? why me? i really don’t understand. what’s the reason?’ but when he finally came, it all makes sense now.

phew. life still surprises me.

God gives us trials and tests in this life. He does not expect us to score perfectly with flying colors. He does not expect us to learn the lesson without making mistakes. We must make the mistakes. I learned that we do not become winners in life by being strong all the time because it is through the times I gave up that I won the battle. When I gave up my pain, God put His hands on my shoulder and carried me through my healing journey. When I gave up my grudge and decided to forgive, I became more focused, hopeful, happy, peaceful, wiser, and stronger. I said to myself, I will soon get my own happy ending. I will find a better man, the best man. I know. I believe. I hope. I must. But the waiting time both brought out the best and worst in me. I used my time to improve myself. I focused on my family and friends. I gained new friends. I got the time to think things through. It was a journey of self-rediscovery (charot). On the dark side, I waited and waited until the last spark of hope died. I gave up. I cursed. I screamed. I cried. I was already too tired waiting. Older friends kept telling me that I’m still young and it will eventually come. But I never believed anymore. I gave up waiting. I then decided how to run a single life for the rest of my life. BUT then he came.

It was Chinese New Year. I said, I’ll give it a try. We talked, talked, and talked for five hours! We both welcomed the new year together. And I slept that night, or rather dawn, with a smile on my face and again, a big hope in my heart. What amazed me was that he got the ALL qualities I asked for. I said to myself, he still exists! He still exists. Some friends even my sister told me that the guy I’m looking for is hard to find, imaginary, and so impossible. But he still exists! He still exists! I immediately told my sister that my dreamguy exists. He exists! Good-looking, smart, kind-hearted, taller than me, white complexion, someone who has been through some pain so he’ll understand what i’ve been through, someone who has been single for a long time, a good son, a good brother, a good friend, someone who works in the same company I work for, someone who can make me laugh bigtime, someone mature, responsible, courageous, and above all God-fearing. Oh my list could go on and on. He seem to have it all.

The next day, I asked about his age. He hesitated. I insisted. He answered. And I again said to myself, “Lord, I can’t stop crushing out my list. Are you really doing this to me?” His age is on the top of my list. Phew. Surprise, surprise.

Talkative as I am, I told my friends about him, and they were all bursting to giggles. Haha! Of course, they knew and saw what I’ve been through. I survived all those trials because they were there for me. For them to see me happy and be happy for me is already like my happy ending. Of course, I have to keep reminding myself to take things slow, get to know him first, enjoy the moment, and just go with the flow. They said the same things.

I have to take things slow. I will not rush. I have been single for a long time so why panic when he finally comes? I think during my loneliness, I learned a lot of patience and it is what’s helping me these days. I must be patient for things to unfold in their own ways, in their own time. I keep reminding myself that things could still go a different way so I must not lay my heart on the line so early. Yikes! To act better,  I will be his friend, not some clingy, emotional woman who is courted by her ideal man.

Life’s amazing. God is amazing. He seem to enjoy teasing me. Haha! With all the ironies, he seem to enjoy teasing me. And I am laughing now. I am smiling because I know whatever happens, even when I give up on Him, He will never give up on me. There were times He seem to ignore my prayers and not give me attention. So I kept bugging him. If there’s one thing I learned, it is that when you asked something from Him, be specific! Then bug him to give it to you! And He will. The hardest part is He will ask you to wait and obey. Difficult huh?

God knows our hearts, the deepest desires and the most hidden secrets. He knows. And He will provide.

Now I can finally say, the waiting time is all worth it. And you know what, it seems like I never waited at all. I am just so happy he came on time. I really hope he is the one. But I know the decision is up to me, and to him as well.

Good night!

some random thoughts

1. If there is a very important thing i learned, it is time. I learned that time is relative. It can act snail with our patience and a race-car through moments of bliss. And that time does not heal wounds. Boo-hoo. It does not. Unless you let go, time will only magnify the pain. I learned that time is overrated. They say, enjoy life coz you dont have all the time. Life is too short. Live today, you might not have tomorrow. Blah-blah-blah. Time is… ticking. It goes on. We might as well spend time wisely because today, we may be here, tomorrow is uncertain. That time could be your best friend or your worst enemy. Oh, I can go on with this. And so can time.

2. –that breakups are worse than death. When you break up, you feel betrayed, sad, angry, hostile, and all emotions extremely opposite of love. But when he dies, you feel love, respect, love, love, and love for the person. You bury him, respect his grave, his memories, and the person he was. With a cheater, you want to bury him alive, disrespect his name, erase the memories you had, and the person you thought he was. BUT. to move on from a deceitful person is easy. to move on from a decent man you truly love, it may be so hard to do.

3. –that positive thinking can’t work for a long time. You have to sustain yourself with adequate amount of self-esteem and strength to keep your self-respect up and high.

4. –that it’s okay to fall apart sometimes. You do not have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to hold it together all the time. Cry, if you must. Let the tears wash away the pain and the stress. Then wake up fresh, enlightened, and brand new to a good morning and to a better you, stronger than the day before.

5. –that you have to trust your own decisions.

6. –that you can never live life too safely. every now and then, you will make mistakes, you will meet people of different perspective, and you will struggle with circumstances, with people including yourself. know what? face your fears straight in the eyes and say, “boo-hoo i am bigger than you!”

7. –that you can’t control what people think of you. If you try to, you could explode. Whether you do right or wrong, people are gonna talk. So just do. Don’t explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it. Your enemies won’t believe it.

8. — that the worse way to live is to live without hope. nothing sucks more than not wanting to look forward to a better future. life can be cruel, it can also be wonderful. don’t let it eat you either way.

9.  —that forgiveness is not a walk in the park.

10. — that wherever you are, there you are. most twenty-something people dwell on what lies ahead, what is worth settling for, and all that stuff. helen mirren once said that twenties is the most insecure stage in one’s life. you are still catching your dream, figuring out yourself, establishing relationships, waiting for the world to change, and blah blah blah. but in the movie ‘one day’, anne hathaway also said, ‘whatever happens tomorrow, we have today’. so wherever you are, there you are. and that is today.

11. — that finding true love is a universal quest of every human heart. some found it too early, some found it too little too late. some found it in the eyes of their spouse, in the arms of their steady wealth, or in the glamour of their beauty. you define your true love. but of course, material things can not love you back. to be loved back is the most beautiful love there is. don’t you agree? it’s a gift to have someone rub your back in the middle of the night when your cough attacks. it’s a wonder how the best conversation you can have is just sitting side by side on a bench while watching an orange sunset. it’s a blessing how two lovers can still be in love after all the struggles and trials that test the relationship. when you find your true love, hold your love with both your hands.

12. — that for a relationship to work and last, the most basic foundations always apply — trust, communication, and commitment. fight for the one you love. period. of course, these things do not apply in an abusive relationship. different rules apply.

13. — that getting that dream job and dream relationship are somehow so similar. both require hard work, time, effort, and a pint of luck. you love your job, but there are days you only want to stay in bed and call in sick. you love your better half, but there are days you only want to be with yourself and read your favorite book. there are the best days, there are the boring days. but you stay in the boat, because you love. you do not abandon ship, you stay because it is where you wanna be. it seems to me that when you desire for great things, you have to work for it. you get what you work hard for.

14. — that it’s so much better to be happy alone than be with someone and be unhappy. i’ll be a hypocrite if i say loneliness does not creep into my sheets. it does. almost every night. at this very moment, i am in a room where both adjacent rooms have uber-in-love lovers. i am your most perfect lonely single girl tonight thank you very much. and i am blogging. i am drinking wine. i am listening to the corrs. and i am blogging. it sucks bigtime. but to justify (and comfort) myself, i guess this is much better than be the girl i once was. to feel alone in a relationship is the worst feeling ever. and i never want to go back to that blackhole again.

15. — that to be loved, you must love. it’s the first rule of karma: you get what you give. if you want friends, be friendly. if you want peace, then be peaceful. but sometimes, life surprises you. i find myself as snobbish, maldita, ill-tempered, and so moody. i give off this kind of aura to every people in my life, not in a harsh way anyway. but they’re still there through the rainbows and even the storms. and i feel so loved. i don’t know what good i’ve done to deserve the people i have in my life. surprise, surprise.

Pit Senyor!

So far this is my best sinulog… Joined the procession, attended pontifical mass and the traditional sinulog offering with fireworks, watched the street parade, and saw both fireworks from ayala and abellana.. Viva Pit Senyor Santo Nino! Thank you so much for answering every prayer i ask from you

Protected: the grass is always greener on the other side

Happy New Year!

Last year, I faced the new year with a single but firm resolution: I vow to love myself in 2011. And I did. I learned that when you start with yourself, everything else follows.

This year, there are no grand fireworks-inspired resolutions.. just one. And that is: Just go with the flow.

I think I’ve done my time well. I kept up with the pace. And I carried some things for so long. It’s time to rest, enjoy, and live life just as it goes. No grand plans, no majestic reach-for-your-dreams goals. This time, I will just. go. with. the. flow.

Also, it helps to have other resolutions: to control my eating habit and to improve my punctuality.

Happy New Year! Let’s chase the Dragon!!!

Merry Christmas!

95 Questions that Help You Find Meaning and Happiness

1. In one sentence, who are you? I am Rose Catherine Salazar Tejano.
2. Why do you matter? I matter because I am a child of God.
3. What is your life motto? Just live.
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants? A fashion designer who is my brother, who gives me makeup, dresses, and beauty stuff and who loves me so much.
5. What is missing in your life? My own family.
6. What’s been on your mind most lately? What 2012 shall bring for me.
7. Happiness is a ________? Decision.
8. What stands between you and happiness? My laziness hahaha. I’m quite happy and contented where I am right now.
9. What do you need most right now? I need more time to fulfill my plans.
10. What does the child inside you long for? True Love.
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? I am sure that God will always be there for me as He has always been.
12. What’s been bothering you lately? Negatively, some people who can’t stop spreading rumors about me. Positively, I think I need to review my use of prepositions and verb tenses.
13. What are you scared of? To lose my family.
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? It stopped me from getting success. Makes sense?
15. What will you never give up on? I think God.
16. What do you want to remember forever? My childhood.
17. What makes you feel secure? My family, friends, and my job.
18. Which activities make you lose track of time? My work, facebook, movies, friends, etc
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? Walking out from an unhealthy abusive relationship.
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? Walking out from an unhealthy abusive relationship.
21. What are you most grateful for? My second life.
22. What is worth the pain? The lessons. And your future happiness.
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love,health, fame? Love, happiness, health, money, fame
24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? own family
25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year? When I woke up one morning and decided to be a strong person.
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months? I need to get rid of my procrastination.
27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? I want to have built my dreamhouse, enough savings, adequate income, a healthy loving family of my own.
28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? My family and friends.
29. What will you never do? I will never get a tattoo. I almost did.
30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done? I said I would never waste money on gadgets.
31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? I learned that I am too hung up on the past. Not good at all.
32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? I pretend to understand marriage. Haha.
33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? I wish her more strength, happiness, and love.
34. What worries you most about the future? My family.
35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? I miss most how life was so simple: eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep.
36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? Drama.
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? That Christmas is here again! Oh how time really does fly!
38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? I need to pay my credit card and phone bills.
39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? Serious.
40. What never fails to frustrate you? I am frustrated by people who walk slowly in busy streets.
41. What are you known for by your friends and family? Ambot nila.
42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? That I am a die-hard Roman Catholic. I want to go to Vatican City!
43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? That I am silent. I believe I am. My closest friends beg to disagree.
44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? Complain about what they don’t have.
45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? That I am ugly. Haha!
46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? To not take life too seriously.
47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Being funny, true, and positive.
48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? Forever.
49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? family.
50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? Digital Camera.
51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? Cebu and Bohol.
52. What would make you smile right now? Weasly my dog. I miss him and about to see him tomorrow.
53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? Go to church.
54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? My scars and my crooked front teeth.
55. What should you avoid to improve your life? Avoid negative people as much as possible.
56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? My lip gloss.
57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? That love is blind.
58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? When some people who know nothing about me had the guts to snob at me and spread lies about me. They not only made me realize I am stronger but also famous. Bwahaha!
59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? My self-respect.
60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today? I don’t know.
61. What are you glad you quit? I’m glad I quit being negative.
62. What do you need to spend more time doing? I need to read more.
63. What are you naturally good at? Writing.
64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? 2012.
65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? To sleep not past midnight.
66. What’s something you should always be careful with? Crossing a busy street.
67. What should always be taken seriously? People’s feelings.
68. What should never be taken seriously? Life.
69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? Food. Food. Food.
70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? <secret>
71. What fascinates you? I amazed by the beauty of life. Life is beautiful. It really is.
72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive is knowing that you are happy. Truly living is knowing you choose to be happy.
73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? I would read books by the window.
74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? While I was lying down by the pool of a hot spring, looking at the stars, and thinking I was miles away from home.
75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying.
76. What makes you feel incomplete? I don’t understand the question.
77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? When my breast mass became painful.
78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? My dogs.
79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? I don’t know.
80. What’s something you know you can count on? My family.
81. What makes you feel comfortable? A bed, pillow, and a good book.
82. What’s something about you that has never changed? My being moody.
83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? I will be…. ???
84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? Waking up late.
85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? An invitation.
86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? The former.
87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? Pain.
88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? I promise to change my sleeping habits.
89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? Everything. A roof above my head, a great stable job where I am happy, peace of mind, everything!
90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? Rain on a morning weekend.
91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? Myself.me.I
92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? When it keeps you up at nights.
93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? I wish I could have spent my money wisely. Hahaha!
94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? Memories.
95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life? I would regret if I would let life pass me by.

Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/04/95-questions-to-help-you-find-meaning-and-happiness/#more-401

little and big things in 2011

♥ I had my medical check-up and found out that the breast mass may not be a potential harm. Yey! Praise God!After several months of worrying here and there if I might die young or not (hahaha!), the medical results show that the mass has become liquid. Can I believe it? As in! All I can say is that the power of prayers is powerful indeed! Thank You Lord! Praise to You!

♥ I celebrated my second year in my job.

♥ I got promoted a day before my 24th birthday! And I now believe that patience, perseverance, hardwork, and faith in God really pay off.

♥ I got to know my cute “buday” niece —-> Ashley.

♥ I attended a fashion show in Greenbelt 5, Makati.. at front row seat.

♥ I facilitated a work-related training. #nervous

♥ I went back to reading, blogging, and baking.

♥ I learned how to cook!

♥ I spent a weekend escapade to Talibon with Salve’s family.

♥ I got to be a maid of honor.

♥ I got to be a witness to a civil wedding.

♥ I donned a maxi dress in a summer outing.

♥ I attended Rick Warren’s 40 Days of Love.

♥ I started jumping rope.

♥ I started online job and failed. hahaha

♥ I had my hair rebonded.

♥ I got myself a credit card and a new cellphone (my ever first bought cellphone).

♥ I endured nights sleeping with a rumored ghost. hahaha.

♥ I was able to say the rosary for a month, for thirty-one days. Yey!

♥ I moved in to a new apartment. #stress

♥ We commemorated Lola Laling’s fourth death anniversary.

♥ After 17 years, I went back to my mom’s hometown, Bacolod!

♥ I bought a folding bike.. crazzyyyy! This one’s unexpected and I love it! hahaha

♥ I attended Bo Sanchez’s conference.

♥ I donned a mini dress in our company christmas party (#overconscious). And being part of the committee that made the party happen was the icing on the cake.

♥ I enjoyed our Team Christmas Party, which so far was the best and most fun christmas party we had since. Source: everyone.

Protected: life is a bull

just a thought

It came to me. Like a thunder. Like a steady flow of rain. Like a sweet morning chirp of a bird.

That you cannot give love when your heart is empty of love. To love someone unconditionally, fill first yourself with love so you have a lot to give.

That our heart is a vessel of emotions.  And pain is the only way to enlarge this vessel. (Now I know why we often say that we are shallow, or why we say we must deepen our understanding.) Every painful experiences shave off the delicate linings of the heart. In this process, you have to be strong to survive. There will be debris from the shaving and it is up to you on what to do with this reminders of pain. Will you keep it in your heart? If you do, these dead debris will eventually smell and rot. If you do, your heart will smell and rot as well. Bitterness and grudges make the best ugly heart.

But if you throw away the debris, there will be more room for better things such as love, happiness, and peace of mind. The process of throwing away may be slow and gradual. It will take time as wounds need to be healed, and sometimes we unfortunately pick up the trashes again. It is in this process that we are humbled. That we are tested. That we are strengthened.

Oh! Life is so beautiful! So magical! I hope you find beauty even in a speck of dust. Have a good one!